There are times when my words will only get me so far in the healing process. Today, I realized action is what is needed to take me the rest of the way, or at least get me moving in the right direction.
This past Monday, I felt like it was time for me to reach out and continue building a relationship with Doc. However...it didn't take long in the round pen to see something was off between us, actually it was more me than us.
I never want to intentionally bother people and apparently, that holds true when it comes to the horses. With the intrusive thoughts, combined with anxiety, I found myself growing more and more frustrated. At the time, I didn't know what I needed from Doc. He sensed it and with no connection, he eventually walked away, leaving me feeling lost and alone.
I knew the reason there was no connection. It wasn't Doc. It was me. I added to my own frustration and abandonment issues because I had not been forthcoming with Jenn. Had I been open and honest with her, we may have been able to work past this issue much earlier, but then again, had I done so, I may have missed the gift of today.
The urge to share something I had struggled with all my life became overwhelming. I could no longer keep this to myself. If we were to continue this journey together, we would need to be in step with one another and those steps would depend on me being honest, not only to myself but to Jenn and Doc. They deserved to know, because right now, I was the one keeping us from moving forward.
I should've had the courage to share the reason for the disconnect way before we reached this point, but I was embarrassed to reveal that throughout my entire life, I have faced problems with building and maintaining healthy relationships. It just doesn't come easy or natural to me. With this now out in the open, Jenn created a plan to get me moving towards asking Doc for connection.
It's also quite evident that I have a difficult time asking for what I need. The disconnect between my heart wanting this relationship with Doc and my uneasiness towards taking that physical step towards him, was holding me back. It's the constant thought running through my head, "I want to, but don't do it." And normally, when I feel that way, I want to gather my things and leave...but not today.
Jenn was patient with both Doc and I, showing me the little things to watch and listen for in his behavior, where I should stand and what the next course of action would be. Even though I was uncomfortable, my anxiety did lessen and I was able to find my focus and follow along with Jenn's instructions. In time, Doc accepted the request and made his way over.
Jenn encouraged me to approach Doc and reward him for honoring the request. I still wasn't sure what his reaction would be as I approached him. Questions popped up in my mind, wondering if he would walk away...and ...would I feel left behind and abandoned yet again if he did.
It is hard to put into words the feeling of acceptance I received from him. I admit my initial approach towards him caused some tension in my body because I did not feel worthy of his trust or this connection we were entering into. In my mind, I wanted to run to him, hold him and not let go, but in reality, I wasn't sure that would happen. However, the more I came in contact with him, the more relaxed I became. Standing alongside him, it felt more like he was taking me into his space and in that moment, we synced. My past trauma, and his, now took on an entirely different feel. We could finally hold space for each other.
As the wind blew through Doc's mane and the weight of his head rested on my shoulder, I was led to an emotional and spiritual place. The fears I had once placed on our relationship no longer seemed to matter. Doc was accepting of me and he did not seem to mind the years of guilt and shame I brought to him.
I have at times struggled with my faith. However, spending time at Barnabas has shown me more God moments than any place I have ever been, but...I had to be open to fully seeing and feeling what's around me. I have been allowed to be vulnerable in those teachable, healing moments. And it is in those still moments, I have heard God speak through the people and the horses. At a time when I have been questioning God's love for me, it was through a conversation with Jenn that I heard, "I just want them to come to me when I call them by name." And today, it was the whispering voice, while with Doc, that said, "welcome home." I need no more conformation of God's love for me than that.
Barnabas truly lives by its name, "Encourager." Had I not been encouraged along the way by so many, I may never have had the opportunity to experience what I did today with a horse named Doc.
~Parker
Beautiful!