I am a runner. Not your typical get outside and run 5 miles kinda girl, but a runner nonetheless...
When people get too close, I run...
When I feel out of place, I run...
When things from my past appear, I run...
When I feel myself changing, I run...
When I get scared...I run...
It wasn't until this morning, that I was able, for the first time, to begin to understand why I feel that need to run. I haven't had much sleep these past few days and this morning, I woke up crying. The more I fought to control it, the more it seeped out. I thought maybe it was sleep deprivation but as the morning wore on, I discovered that it was much more than that.
Over the course of my life, running away, or suppressing things, is how I've handled everything. I have always been a loner and an introvert and I've not always known how to let others know what I need from them, or how to balance my emotions. Running is the only way I've ever known how to process, or not process, what's really happening. I may confide in others, but I never tell the whole story. I've become good at leaving out important details as a means of survival.
These past few months have been tiring. The energy I've expended in suppressing it all has become too much. At times, I find myself beginning to tell the stories that have brought me so much guilt and anger...and then, for whatever reason, I don't finish, or I change the subject. And so, those stories continue to pull and tug at me. Everything I've ever seen and done wants out, all at once...
The one thing I have enjoyed is spending time at the Barnabas Horse Foundation. While I have worked with therapists, in both individual and group settings, there is something special at the farm that calls for me to open up, to let myself feel what I need to and just spit it all out. It asks that of me, it doesn't demand it.
I admit I have been a bit standoffish with Doc and the other therapy horses over the last several weeks. It's not that I don't love them, because I do. But I have been pushing them away because I feel like they know everything about me and yet they are still ok with me...and my past. In reality they are more forgiving of me than I am of myself...and that is painful.
In today's session, I was about to runaway again. I was making the move towards the barn when out of the corner of my eye, I saw Jenn approaching. Something told me to slow down, stop and let her catch up. It was in that moment that I realized why I feel the need to get out of wherever I am and why sometimes I feel caged...
There is an internal war going on. The old me filled with guilt, anger, frustration, shame and a whole host of other emotions is losing the battle to the new me...the one who wants peace, love, happiness, freedom from the guilt I've been carrying and answers to the things that I seek to better understand and that scares me.
I made a difficult decision this week that was totally out of my character, but one that needed to be made. It took a lot of thought and prayer before I made that decision. Good or bad, I have decided to step out in faith. That faith is what will also allow me to slow my running and shed those things that have weighed me down for the majority of my life.
I have seen and felt the small glimpses of what this new life can be like for me. I cannot go on punishing myself. Forgiveness is what is needed...but that will take time. It won't happen all at once and there will be bad mixed in with good days ahead. The point is, the new me is stronger than the old me...but the old me is not going to give up without a fight. My hope is that I gain the courage to let those things I've been allowing to hold me back, come to the surface and finally be set free....but I cannot do it alone anymore. I need support from those around me whom I trust and I need to do a better job at working on my relationship with God. I have to give myself the permission to let go and stop running away from the things that are holding me back and learn that it's ok to run to the things that will bring me freedom and a new life...
"So, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation: everything old has passed away; see, everything has become new."
~Parker
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