It is an amazing thing to be able to come out and spend time at Barnabas. I've not always been the best version of me, but I show up for the work, whatever that may involve. In fact, I'm always more concerned about losing time there because the farm has become the place that teaches me things about myself and the place that offers grace, forgiveness and hope...and it has become a place of being among the redemptive power of the horses.
I have always had a difficult time connecting with others. That has been the case through most of my life. Part of it involves trust issues and part of it is my own insecurity. My mind tends to override my heart a lot of the time, which leads me to thoughts of self doubt, not being good enough, feeling unwanted, not worthy, a burden and the list goes on...
I often feel unheard or unseen. But I don't always stop to think that my "not being heard" could be because I can be soft spoken at times, or maybe the other person didn't hear me, or...they were distracted by something else. I tend to immediately jump to the conclusion it's me and I get quiet and slowly wonder off from the people I'm with.
This connection issue I have with people also extends to animals. I can feel the same sense of loss when they walk away from me. This is also true with my connection, or lack thereof, with the herd. I tend to get frustrated when Doc or one of the other horses leave me. I immediately get it in my head they know the hurt I've caused others in my past...they know my regrets...my truth. My frustration is not with the herd. My frustration is with me. I accept full responsibility for the things I've done and I acknowledge the things I've seen in my career that my mind cannot forget. It all tends to get in my way.
But then a moment comes along like the one I experienced this morning at Barnabas. I arrived with so much baggage from the past few weeks... Everything from personal issues, to lack of sleep and the return of nightmares all play a role in my current emotional rollercoaster. I had originally cancelled this morning's session because I didn't want to bring this energy to the farm.
But looking back now, I can see God's hand in all this. Had I not gone to my session today, I would have missed out on a moment with Doc and Bella...a moment I had been wanting and quite frankly needed...
I'm always nervous for the first 5-10 minutes after arriving at the farm. My heart races...my fingers tingle...my legs feel more like someone else's than mine...my mind and body never focused but running chaotically around...
As Jenn and I walked through the barn, I grabbed Doc's grooming bag. We made our way to the pasture where Doc was hanging out. As I began grooming him and talking about life, I began to calm down. However, there was a moment when the anxiety returned as I realized I had somehow found myself between Doc and his friends. I recognized that feeling of "being trapped" where my breathing gets faster and everything in me tells me to run. I asked to move from between them and once outside of their little huddle, the anxiety lessened.
While Jenn and I were once again talking and I was brushing Doc, I felt different. Everything I had been struggling with seemed to gradually disappear and I felt like I could be more honest than I have been in my answers to Jenn's questions. Something I had tried to force before, I had no need to force today. My thoughts and emotions just quietly slipped out of me and into every stroke of the brush. At one point, I just wanted to lay my hands on his back. There's something so eyeopening to be able to see and move my hands across his scars. It reminds me of one part of our commonality. He was so into his own moment that for awhile, I didn't realize he was bringing me into his. We were making the connection I had longed for.
I was not even aware of Bella asking for connection because sometimes I can't see "the forest for the trees." It took Jenn saying something for me to reach out to Bella. I felt bad that I didn't pick up on what she needed from me at that moment. I tend to forget I am in the presence of other horses and I don't always recognize when a request is being made of me...the truth is, I've always been a little intimidated by Bella and that could be why I didn't recognize her request. I should have been smart enough to realize that she's the queen of the pasture and what better company to be in, right? Always hang out with the horse that's in charge, or at least be aware of her presence...
After the session, I drove out of the gate feeling free while the tears flowed. The energy my body was releasing couldn't be controlled and I didn't want to control it. For the first time in my life, if even for that moment with Doc and Bella, I know what it's like to have an authentic connection to another being...
Even now, as I write this, the tears continue. I've said it in previous blogs, there is no doubt in my mind that God is at work at Barnabas. I'm thankful for coaches like Jenn, Sue and Tiffany who walk with me through my good days and my bad, and who move me to see the lessons of the simple things. And I'm so incredibly thankful for the beautiful healing and saving gift of the horse...
~Parker
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