Most Mondays when I arrive at Barnabas Horse Foundation, I find the horses active and at times, mischievous. However, today they seemed to be a bit more subdued than normal, which felt awkward to me.
Their stares, with little movement, just didn't feel right. It was unsettling and in fact, it initially created more anxiety for me. I had now re-entered a place I try not to visit, the phase of hypervigilance ...where things are eerily quiet at the moment, which usually means I need to watch my back. And just like that, I was thrown back into EMS mode.
But things began to change, while brushing Doc. The movement of the brush strokes brought the distraction my thoughts needed, while increasing my other senses. I was aware of my surroundings and fully present in the moment and I was aware of the movements of the other horses. In our short time together, I've learned to listen for them. I can feel them when they're close and my back is turned. I can hear their kicks and I can feel the vibration through the ground they walk upon. And as I placed my hand on Doc, I was able to feel his strength. His physique...his rhythmic breath...all while the gaze of his eyes and his facial expression told me to "watch this," ...and in that moment I found myself in a much deeper place spiritually.
The trust he gave, allowed me to experience this time with him and it left me wanting more but unable to ask him for it. Doc gave me something else this afternoon...he allowed me to be in his space just long enough to look around the pasture and see, that though the horses weren't physically moving around much, they were moving all the same. As if in unison, the horses in their silence, began to emit this unexplainable feeling of power and strength that seemingly came out of nowhere. The heartbeat of the horses were one...together. I could feel their energy.
I'm not really sure what happened in that brief moment, but I do know I have never experienced silence so loudly before. It left me wanting to fully open up and... it left me wanting to run to Doc and wrap my arms around him and thank him for sharing such a beautiful gift... but...the fight to keep my emotions inside won out this afternoon and I was unable to do what I felt like I wanted to do, what I needed to do.
Just so you know Doc, I am paying attention and I am listening to you...it is in your silence that you teach and you trust...
~Parker
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