Not Knowing What I Wanted And Receiving What I Needed

The day started out like most days, but shortly after breakfast, things began to shift. I had just finished my morning bible reading when the tears started. Tears that ran like water from a faucet. They just would...not...stop.

I found myself pacing back and forth like I was in a cage, with no way out. Panic set in as the walls began closing in on me. I couldn't break free.

I've experienced this feeling of being trapped at other times in my life...once a few weeks ago when I was with the herd and found myself, with my back against the fence, with no exit plan. And the other happened years ago when, while transporting a patient, I stepped into the stair well with the intention of opening the side door and jumping from the moving ambulance.

I knew where the thoughts were coming from in this moment. It was guilt....guilt from all the patients who cried, pleaded and begged me to not let them die. I looked them all in the eye and assured them they wouldn't. I couldn't shake the fear and panic I heard in their cries and in their voices, which were just as loud and as clear on this day, as on the day they occurred.

And so, I made my way back to Barnabas, the one place that has been able to reach me when I'm in those dark places. The only decision I needed to make was to figure out which Parker would show up...the one who wanted to find a way to work through all of this or the Parker who would keep it all in.

I found Jenn and Tiffany waiting for me. As we walked, my eyes met Doc. Together, as we approached him, my heart wanted to go to him but the thoughts in my head warned me not to. The heart won out. As Jenn and Tiffany took a step back, it took me a moment to gather the courage to go to him, and then, without thinking, I stepped into his space and wrapped my arms around his neck. I couldn't bring myself to say anything to him verbally. All I kept thinking was how sorry I was I couldn't give those patients a better outcome. I was sorry for not giving them a voice and allowing them the opportunity to say what they needed to say...instead, I shut them down by telling them it was all going to be ok. It was then that I felt Doc wrap his head around my shoulders. He knew...and in that moment, that's all I needed.

I went to Barnabas Horse Foundation that afternoon not knowing what I wanted and came away receiving what I didn't know I needed...It was Jenn, Tiffany, Sue and Doc who gave me what I needed in those hours...laughter, trust, conversation, love, prayer, hugs and a safe environment in which to begin to open up, to let my guard down and to move forward in my search for grace, hope and forgiveness.

They gave freely of their time when I needed them...but most importantly in that moment...they all gave of themselves.

~Parker