As I sit here tonight trying to find the words to begin this blog, I am reminded of a response I gave to a question during a podcast for Day 1 Week 1. I said "if it turns around tomorrow, that I sink back into that same mode (depression), I'm hoping that I won't be as stubborn and as fearful as I was the first time (I reached out)."
As some of you know, I made the decision, this past Monday, to find that help. Last weekend, my friend Pete and I visited a local nonprofit that offers equine assisted therapy to individuals with trauma related issues. I was impressed with this amazing place, their staff and volunteers, the services they offer...and of course, the horses. I talked about it...prayed about it...and in the end, I decided this may be a good fit for me and it would be a great time to try something new. And so, I contacted them, had a great conversation, and I guess I will stop by on Monday to check out the Equine Assisted Learning and Wellness Program for First Responders program.
I have been struggling off and on for a while now. This time, I don't feel like I've been stubborn about getting back into some type of mental health treatment, as I did give myself time to try to figure things out on my own and to utilize the tools I had been given from previous therapy sessions.
The real reason for my hesitation was due to one simple thing. Well... that's not actually true, there are two things...fear and failure.
The fear, for me is two fold: it actually combines with the frustration of having to go through this process again and...there is the stigma factor. What will people think of me when I share this?
Right now, the chief cause of most of my emotion, as I approach Monday, is failure. I've been through DBT, a series of medications, 3 psychiatrists, 1 psychotherapist, 5 individual therapists and 4 group therapy sessions...and yet, here I am...again. I feel like I'm a failure. I feel like I failed myself and those I care about the most...but, I am also able to recognize that as an intrusive thought. It's strange to have two completely different thoughts processing at the same time, and it is because of that rational thinking that I am able to see this not as a failure, but as growth. Growth is recognizing I may need a little help from time to time to get through this battle...GROWTH, is also finding the courage to ask for help...
"My healing began when I broke my silence..." and I'm about to break that silence one more time.
We'll see what Monday brings.
~Parker
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