As First Responders, we tend to keep things to ourselves. We carry secrets of things we witnessed...of people and places...of things we did or failed to do...of things we could've done better...and things we can't undo.
For years, I have been carrying around a patient I just could not get off my mind. I never talked about it much, keeping the most bothersome details of that call between only God and me.
For the past couple of weeks, I have felt a push within me to read a letter I wrote about that call...and this week, after a lot of prayer, I shared it with two amazing individuals, and a herd of incredibly gifted horses, who have patiently walked and held space with me while I worked through that time...
Since Friday, I have experienced a roller coaster of emotions. In addition to the emotional shifts, I went through a period of regret over writing and sharing the letter. However, over the past couple of days, I've come to understand the regret I was feeling was actually fear...fear of sharing something personal, fear of letting this patient finally go and fear of what those I shared this with would think. And, on top of the emotions, the physical side effects have also shown up as exhaustion...my energy level depleted....
The past 24 hours, however, have shown me something quite different. The sensation of being physically and emotionally lighter has been, at moments, a little overwhelming. My mind and body attempting to adjust to NOT having to carry the guilt, fear and shame, has not been a natural feeling for me. The heaviness I had is gradually being replaced with relief, freedom, grace and redemption.
All this to say, that as First Responders we need to find people we can trust to really hear us, see us and understand as much about us as they are able to. We are constantly told to "reach out" and I tried to share this story with several others, including therapists and clergy, many times over the years. I never got much of the story out before I had this feeling they weren't truly listening nor did I feel they understood the devastating pain associated with what I was experiencing. Because of that, I drifted off into silence. I'm not blaming those I tried to reach out to, as I feel like they were doing their best. The truth is... I wasn't looking for anyone to have the right answers, just someone to sit and listen.
What I can share of this experience is...don't ever give up on finding your tribe. Don't ever stop looking, or praying, for the right people to find their way to you. It may take several tries, with many different professionals or family members or friends, before finding the right fit to share your story. Keep searching...Your tribe is out there...and they're waiting for you.
You and your story are too important to not share as you find the true healing you seek. It's not easy to break our silence. But once it's done with the right people, the ones God sends to us in our darkest moments, and, when the time is right...is life changing.
When it all comes together, then...we will be set free...
~Parker
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