There is always a level of anxiety when I'm about to head into a session. It is no surprise to me, as I am well aware of the reasoning.
First, it is a fear of the horses. I absolutely have come to not only respect them in the three weeks I have walked among them, but I've come to love them for their spirit, strength, resiliency and compassion. To be clear, I am not afraid of them in the sense that I'm worried of getting injured, I'm fearful of their rejection and I'm fearful of being abandoned...of being left. I'm fearful of getting close and building upon that relationship. I know me. When anyone gets close to me, I push them away as a means of not getting hurt. I am wild and unpredictable, sometimes feeling that I am the one who is untamable. At times I can be difficult to deal with, especially when the anger, depression or darkness creeps in. I shut down and I isolate.
Second, I am an emotional person. I wear it all on my sleeve. There is usually no doubt when I'm angry, depressed or....if I'm just not sure about my life and where I'm headed. It's obvious...the problem arises when I fail to talk about it in a healthy way. I'm aware I keep everything bottled up and I'm aware that's what gets me into trouble.
Third, I am terrified of losing control...of the crying...of the release... I am terrified that there is so much I've kept inside for so long that it may be embarrassing to lose that control, even in a safe environment or in private. I fight constantly to keep it all inside and when I do feel those tears start to cloud my vision, I fight harder to keep them from falling....
Fourth, like with any relationship, I am afraid I will do or say something wrong to Doc. I worry I will make a movement or make a sound that will remind him of his past. Being aware of what is bringing us together, makes me more in tune with the fact that for everything I need from him, he also needs from me. Building trust in this relationship will take both of us working together. I hope I can let my guard down enough to be fully present with him and not become so focused on how I might inadvertently fail him.
Yesterday, I was able to spent some significant time with Doc. And while I am one to be aware of my personal space, after a while, Doc didn't seem to care if I had boundaries or not. He invaded my space. I admit it made me feel a bit nervous to have him in my space, but somehow the longer he stayed, the more at ease with him I felt. His gentleness and his ability to relax around me, in turn brought a little bit of peace...
Maybe sometimes we need a little something to invade our space, in an easy going, gentle manner and to bring with it an opportunity to build on trust. Doc made the simple gesture of building on that trust with me, maybe it's time I do the same...
~Parker
Comments